


Drowning In The Tears I Refuse To Cry

by Tiamo4ever



Category: Hetalia: Axis Powers
Genre: Angst, Countries Using Human Names, Depression, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Mild Language, Other, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Harm, Slow Build Lovino/Antonio Relationship, attempted suicide, spamano - Freeform, trigger warning
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-11-11
Updated: 2017-10-31
Packaged: 2018-05-01 02:25:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 10,076
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5188616
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tiamo4ever/pseuds/Tiamo4ever
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Lovino Vargas has always been in the shadow of his younger twin brother Feliciano. As a result of always being compared to him, Lovino's self-esteem plummeted and he became extremely depressed. After his failed attempt at suicide Lovino's grandfather decides that it would be best for his grandson to have a fresh start at an elite boarding school where he meets Antonio, an overly happy Spaniard who becomes determined to make Lovino smile. </p>
<p>~TRIGGER WARNING for references of past/present self-harm. Do not read if you feel this may be triggering for you~</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. How I Ended Up Here...

**Author's Note:**

> I know I really should be updating my other stories My Little Brat and An Unexpected Miracle.....BUT I just couldn't get this idea out of my head and I knew I wouldn't be able to update the other stories until I got this one written! Also just a reminder this story may be Triggering for some people...so once again please don't read if you feel this may be triggering for you. 
> 
> This story will alternate between Lovino's POV (which will be in Italics) and The Narrator's POV

 

 

  _(Lovino's POV)_

   
_I was told by one of my therapists that writing in a journal might be good for me since I'm not good at talking about my thoughts and feelings out loud. I never imagined that I'd be doing something as fucking girly as writing in a journal...but what the hell I might as well give it a shot. I suppose the best place to start would be from the beginning...._

 

_~~~~~~~~~~~~~~_

  
_We're different...which is funny considering the fact that we're twins. Due to our genetics we should be the same or at least pretty damn similar. But we're not, in fact we couldn't be more different if we tried. I'm sharp tongued and quick to lose my temper. I'm easily flustered and to others I appear antisocial, when really I'm just lonely. And no matter what I try to do in life it's a struggle. I have to work so fucking hard at everything._  
   
_Feliciano is the epitome of happiness. He smiles brighter than the sun shines and everybody who meets him instantly wants to be his friend. He's sweet an talented and he never has to work hard because he was graced with the natural ability to excel in every aspect of life. It's no wonder everyone favors him over me; including our grandfather._

_Our mother died shortly after she gave birth to us and so our grandfather took us in.   Since I was the older twin he always had higher expectations for me. I suppose you could say I was a disappointment to him from an early age. Even though I was older, it was Feliciano who was the first out of the two of us to learn how to walk, he also said his first word before I did. Not that anyone would be surprised by that since now he is such a damn chatter box and never shuts the fuck up. As we grew up grandpa was always harder on me. The phrase I heard most often was "why can't you be more like your brother?"_

_I hated it. I never felt good enough. I was always in Feliciano's shadow. But it couldn't be helped he always did out shine me. Even in school teachers would compare me to him and the other students only talked to me for one reason. That reason was because they wanted to get closer to Feliciano. I never had a friend that truly was mine. Nobody ever liked me for who I was.  And yet despite the fact that Feliciano was so exceptionally perfect and unintentionally caused me to be pushed aside, I couldn't bring myself to hate him. It's stupid but his perfection only made me hate myself more because no matter how fucking hard I tried I could never even be half as good as he was._

_I began to hate myself more and more everyday. I eventually stopped trying to compete with Feli and hid in his shadow. I was too damn afraid to be rejected or compared. The loneliness started to consume me. I just couldn't fucking stand it. I was practically numb. I still remember the first time I did it...the first time I cut myself._

_I was 14 and It was like any other day. I had walked home from school by myself again and went up to my bedroom to work on my homework. I always stayed in my room until either grandpa or Feli came to get me for dinner. I had been busy trying to figure out some stupid math problem when I heard laughter coming from the back yard. I slammed the text book shut and walked over to my bedroom window to see what was going on. What I saw made my heart ache. Feli was hanging out with his new best friend, the German transfer student. But that's not what caused my heart so much pain. What caused the aching feeling was the fact that grandpa was laughing and having fun with them as well, not only that but he was treating that stupid potato bastard more like family then he treated me; his own grandson. That's when I realized that they didn't need me. They were all happy and laughing, while I was slowly dying from loneliness.  I lost my temper and in my angry state I pushed everything off of my desk. After taking a deep breath I dropped down to the floor and started to pick everything up. My heart stopped for a second when my hands touched the pocket knife Grandpa had given to me as a Christmas gift. As I looked down at the silver blade in my hands all of the loneliness and hatred for myself came rushing back all at once. It was suffocating. I couldn't take it. I couldn't fucking take it...and before I even knew it I had flipped the knife open and cut horizontally across the  middle of my left arm. It stung like hell but I noticed that I felt...lighter. Like all of the emotions weighing me down were some how lifted. As I watched the blood run down my arm I found it had a strange calming affect. I cut myself two more times ,although they didn't sting nearly as much as the first one had. I was about to do it a fourth time but didn't because Feli had started banging on my door yelling something about dinner. It scared the shit out of me. I quickly cleaned up my arm and put on a sweater._

 

_~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~_

   
_By the time I was 16 both of my arms were covered in scars from the many time I had cut myself. Life continued on the way it always had._ _My sharp tongue had earned me a bad reputation. Everyone avoided me, well everyone except Feli and his potato bastard friend. And he only tolerated me for Feli's sake. As the days went on_ _I was convinced that Feli only began to shine brighter every single day, while I sunk further and further into the shadows. And even though I envied my little brother I never once felt resentment towards him. I may have been in his shadow, but I was always watching over him. Anyone who dared to make my happy go lucky brother cry had to answer to me._  

_A few months before our 17th birthday I was walking down the empty hallway at school. I was skipping class again for no reason other than I didn't feel like siting in that room full of idiots. I was on my way to the library when I heard the unmistakeable sound of Feli crying. I immediately ran towards the source of the sound and found some asshole picking on him. I lost my temper and ran up to the stupid bastard shoving him to the ground. He was tougher than the other idiots that had tried to pick on Feli in the past. The fight escalated to the point where he had given me a black eye, and I was pretty sure the I had broken his nose. After the teachers pulled us apart they called our parents and both of us were suspended_

_Grandpa was furious, the entire ride home he never said a word. Once we got in the house the fight started. He told me I was grounded and that I couldn't go with him and Feli to the vineyard the next day like we had planned. It was probably the worst punishment he could have given me at he time since the vineyard was the only place where I ever felt even the tiniest bit of peace; it was my favourite place in the world. Something inside me snapped and for the first time, I lost my temper on grandpa. I actually yelled at him and said_

_"The only reason I got into that damn fight was because that bastard was making Feli cry!"_

_"You broke the kid's nose Lovino. You're lucky they aren't pressing charges. Defending your brother is fine but don't you dare do it in a way that disgraces the Vargas name! Feliciano would never be suspended form school." At this point he had lost his temper too._

_"Dammit! There you go again with the whole why can't I be more like Feliciano thing again. I'm sick of it. If you hate me than just come out and say it! It's obvious the only one you love is Feli!"_

_SMACK...He hit me...He slapped me right across the face. We both stood there in shock. I brought my hand up to touch the sensitive skin on my cheek_

_"Lovi...I..." He started to say something as he reached out for me but I smacked his hand away and ran upstairs to my room, locking the door behind me. I through myself onto my bed and stared at the ceiling. I didn't sleep at all that night and I didn't move from the position I was in. The next morning I heard a faint knock on my door, it was Feli telling me that he and grandpa were leaving. There was something strange about his voice, but at the time I just didn't care enough to figure out what it was. As I laid there I replayed the fight with grandpa over and over in my mind. I also replayed every memory I had of my life and as I did this,_ _I felt the loneliness closing in on me again. Only this time it was soul crushing. I_ _t continued until only one thought remained in my head....I don't want to live._  

_It was like my body was on autopilot. I reached into the pocket on my jeans and pulled out my pocket knife. The last thing I remember was taking the knife and cutting from my wrists up to the middle of both my arms. The cuts was deep and as I watched the blood gush from my arms I drifted off into a peaceful empty place._  

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

_Much to my surprise I woke up in a hospital about a week later, apparently I had cut myself on enough of an angle that the doctors were able to stich them. It turns out that Feliciano and grandpa decided that they weren't going to go to the vineyard and instead had gone to the store to buy the ingredients to make my favorite dinner as a way for grandpa to apologize for hitting me. The doctors had told them that if they had been any later finding me I really would have died. I'll never forget they way the two of them looked when I finally opened my eyes. I have never seen anyone who looked as sad as my brother and grandpa did that day. They cried more tears than either of them ever should have had to cry in their lifetime. The sight was heartbreaking and even though I desperately wanted to cry along side them and apologise for the pain I had clearly caused them, I didn't...because I didn't deserve to cry...I refused to let myself be that selfish._

_I was hospitalized for the next few months, once they were convinced I wasn't going to attempt suicide again I was released. Shortly after Feli's and my 17th birthday, grandpa said that I deserved a fresh start and by fresh start he meant a new school. Not just any school a fancy boarding school that was a few hours away. I agreed to go, but only because I couldn't stand living with grandpa and Feliciano when every time they look at me I could see the way the pitied me. Grandpa offered to drive me to the school but I refused his offer. Instead they dropped me off at the train station and four hours later I arrived at Riverdale Academy. I'm not really sure how this "fresh start" is going to help me....but I'm stuck here so I might as well get used to it._


	2. New Friends?

(Third Person POV)  
   
Four and a half hours after Lovino had said goodbye to his grandpa, his younger twin brother and the entire life he had know up until the point, Lovino found him self standing in front of the gates of Riverdale Academy. Despite this being his fresh start, Lovino could still feel the loneliness trying to take hold of him.  He wondered how this new school would make even the slightest bit of difference. Sure he wouldn't be constantly compared to Feliciano every single day but that didn't mean that people were going to flock to him and become his friends. He would still be all alone just like he always was. The ironic  thing was that he hated being lonely but he wasn't much of a people person. He wanted friends. Even just one friend, but he always pushed people away. He didn't mean to but he couldn't help it.

As the negative thoughts began to over take Lovino's mind he reached into his the pocket of his jeans and tightly grabbed his pocket knife. He hadn't cut himself since the night of his attempted suicide but he couldn't bring himself to part with the sharp silver blade. Oddly enough it was like his security blanket. When Lovino became weighted down by his negative thoughts he found that just tightly grabbing the small knife would calm him down; even if it was just a little. However at this particular moment Lovino's scars were practically aching. It was almost as if they were begging him to reopen the old wounds. Lovino was nearly at the point of no return, and just as he was about to run and find a quiet hiding place to fulfill this overwhelming desire, someone said his name, and he snapped back to reality.

"Lovino Vargas I presume." It was said by a man in his late 20's with sandy blonde hair and a British accent that was sure to drive any girl wild. He was dressed in a suit like a proper English gentleman and the only thing stopping him from being irresistibly handsome were his caterpillar eyebrows. Lovino nodded his head yes in response to the question he was asked.

"Well it's a pleasure to meet you, I'm Mr. Kirkland. Welcome to Riverdale Academy." He said as he extended his hand out to Lovino, who promptly engaged in a polite handshake. "Your grandfather already took care of your registration so why don't I show you to your dorm room."

The two of them went into the school and after a brief stop at the office to pick up Lovino's dorm key and class schedule, they headed to his dorm room. Lovino's grandfather had made special arrangements for his grandson to have his own private room. He felt it would be best for Lovino to have a private space where he didn't have to feel self conscious about whether or not a roommate would notice his scars. When they made it to his room Mr. Kirkland unlocked the door and Lovino went inside and set his luggage down on the bed. He took a quick look around the room.  It was small but not suffocating and though it was unfamiliar, Lovino was sure that in time he might be able to feel at home here.

"Now then, the next class I teach isn't for another 30 minutes. Shall I give you a tour of the academy?" Mr. Kirkland said distracting Lovino from his thoughts for the second time today.

"Your a teacher?" Lovino asked as he followed him out the door, locking it behind him.

"Indeed. I teach english and the creative writing elective course." Lovino had to restrain himself from making a smart ass comment about how they had an Englishman teaching English class. After all the last thing Lovino wanted was for his previous bad reputation to follow him to his new school and 'fresh start'. They were only about five minutes into the tour when they both heard a loud, borderline obnoxious voice call out for Mr. Kirkland.

"Yo Mr. K!"

Mr. Kirkland and Lovino both stopped walking and turned around to face who had interrupted the tour. Lovino watched as two boys headed in their direction. The one who had called out for Mr. Kirkland had blonde hair and eyes as blue as the sky. Once he saw that he had Mr. Kirkland's attention he practically starting running towards them. The other boy that Lovino noticed had wavy brown hair that almost could be considered  curly and green eyes. His skin was tan and Lovino was sure he had to be either Latin or Spanish. The brown haired boy began to chuckle as he watched the blonde run towards the two of them.

"Mr. K! I need your help dude." The blonde said loudly as he stopped running and came to a stop in front of them.

"Alfred, how many times must I remind you to address me as Mr. Kirkland, and not to run in the halls." Mr. Kirkland said as he pinched the bridge of his nose. By this time the dark haired boy had caught up to them and was standing next to the blonde boy.

"Aww but Mr. Kirkland makes you sound like a dull old man, Mr. K sounds way cooler. But never mind that, I need your help with my creative writing assignment." Alfred said.  Mr. Kirkland sighed.

"Alfred if you need my help you're going to have to wait until class starts. I'm in the middle of giving our new transfer student a tour of the school."  Alfred pouted for a moment.   Lovino was sure that Alfred was about to give up on getting Mr. Kirkland's help, until he saw the blonde's whole face light up. This boys facial expressions  were so animated that Lovino could have sworn that he saw a light build above Alfred's head turn on, just like in the Saturday morning cartoons he and his brother used to watch when they were kids.

"Antonio can finish giving him the tour. Then you'll be free to help me."

"Si, I could give him the tour. I don't mind." The boy who Lovino now knew to be Antonio said. Mr. Kirkland sighed again. Lovino was beginning to think that this teacher sighed a lot, although he could understand why. If all the students at this school were like Alfred, then Lovino would most likely spend a lot of his time sighing too.

"Would it be alright with you if Antonio finished giving you the tour." Mr. Kirkland asked. Lovino was silent for a moment.

"It's not like it makes a difference who my tour guide is." Lovino said as he looked down at the floor, not wanting to make eye contact anyone.

"For reals!! Thanks new dude you're the best!" Alfred exclaimed as he gave Lovino a great big hug. Lovino whole body stiffened as soon as Alfred made contact with him. He wasn't used to random people being affectionate with him. The only people who hugged him were Feliciano and occasionally his grandfather.  Needless to say Lovino made quick work of subtlety pushing Alfred away from him. Lovino stayed silent as he watched Alfred and Mr. Kirkland walk away, most likely to Mr. Kirkland's empty classroom.

"Is he always like that?" Lovino asked as soon as he was sure Alfred was out of ear shot.

"Who Alfred? Si,  when he gets excited about something he gets a little carried away." Antonio chuckled. "Also I should warn you. After what you just did, Alfred will probably be your new best friend and stick to you like glue."

"W-what! Why, what did I do?" Lovino half yelled, trying not to sound nearly as flustered as he felt.

"Alfred has a bit of a crush on Mr. Kirkland. And since you agreed to let me be your tour guide, Alfred gets to spend the next 20 minutes all alone with him." Antonio explained. " I'm Antonio by the way, what's your name?"

"Lovino." He answered with a sigh. He wasn't even an official student at this school until  tomorrow and he was already exhausted.

"Lovino huh, that's a nice name. It really suits you." Antonio said as he smiled warmly.

"It's just a name." Lovino muttered to himself. "Aren't you supposed to be giving me a tour?" It came out a little more annoyed than Lovino meant for it to be, but he was trying to cover up his slight feelings of embarrassment from being complemented like that. The Italian boy was used to be criticized, so even the slightest complement made him feel embarrassed.

"Oh right. I almost forgot about that." Antonio chuckled. The two of them began to walk around the school together. Antonio was a pretty decent tour guide and Lovino quickly began to learn where everything was. If there was anything negative to be said about the tour it would have to be that the Spaniard never stopped talking. Lovino had experience dealing with someone who didn't know when to shut up, thanks to his little brother Feli, but Antonio was defiantly testing Lovino's patients with his non stop chatter. As the tour progressed Lovino learned more about Antonio than he probably needed to.

Lovino learned that Antonio was born in Spain and his family moved here when he was five, he learned the names of all seven of Antonio's siblings, Antonio's favourite bands, his favourite spot to eat lunch, all the classes he was taking this semester, and even the fact that Antonio was bisexual. When the tour finally came to an end, the two boys found themselves at the end of the hallway that lead to where Lovino's dorm room was located.  

"So what room are you in?" Antonio asked. Lovino hesitated for a moment before finally telling Antonio that he was in room 205.

"Really! That's great, I'm in room 209. That means our rooms are in the same hall." The Spaniard exclaimed. "Did you meet your roommate yet?"

"I don't have a roommate." Lovino sighed. He could feel himself rapidly losing his patients, knowing it was only a matter of time before he lost his temper and started yelling and swearing. All he wanted was to go lock himself in in room, unpack his things, and write in his journal. Even though this was about the tenth him Lovino had sighed in the last five minutes, Antonio remained oblivious to the Italian boys wish to end this long and mostly one sided conversation.

"That's  wired, I thought everyone had a roommate. My roommate is one of my best friends Francis, but I hardly ever see him in our room because he is usually in the room of whoever his fling of the week happens to be. My other best friend Gilbert is in room 217. His roommate is an Austrian guy named Roderich who plays piano and is the president of the classical music club. He and Gil don't get along very well so Gil usually spends a lot of time in my room." Antonio continued to ramble on and on until finally Lovino had had enough.

"Enough already! Don't you ever shut the fuck up? I don't care about your man whore of a roommate. I don't care that your friend can't get along with some Austrian piano player. I never ask for all of the names of your redicouluiously huge Spanish family. All I want is for you to finish this damn tour and leave me the hell alone!!"  And just like that Lovino knew he's had messed up. He had been trying so hard to make a good first impression and yet he couldn't even control his temper for one day. As the negative thoughts began to return to his mind, Lovino heard something that shocked him. He heard...laughter; Antonio was laughing.

"What's so damn funny!?" Lovino asked once again feeling annoyed.

"Hahaha your face is so red, you look just like a tomato. Haha your so cute when you when you yell." Antonio said as he continued to laugh.  Lovino could feel him self getting flustered by Antonio's words. No one had ever refereed to him as cute before.

"I...I am not cute. You're such and idiot."

"We'll I thought it was pretty cute. Anyway I'll let you go back to your room and unpack now." Antonio said as he ruffled Lovino's hair.  "Oh how about I come by your room tomorrow morning and you can have breakfast with me and my friends before class starts."

"Tch don't bother." Lovino said as he batter Antonio's hand away and fix his now messed up hair.

"Haha I come by your room around 8:00." Antonio said as he began to walk away. Lovino stormed down the hall until he reached his dorm room. He quickly unlocked the door and went inside. After closing the door Lovino leaned back against it and slid down to the floor, hugging his knees to his chest.

_"You're so cute when you yell." "We'll I thought it was pretty cute."_ As Lovino replayed Antonio's words in his head he could feel his cheeks begin to heat up. He knew by this point he was blushing but he didn't understand why.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

  
_(Lovino's POV)_

_Overwhelming...That would be the best way to describe today. I've never felt my scars ache as bad as they did earlier this afternoon;  it made me realize just how fucking weak I am. If Mr. Kirkland hadn't called out to me when he did, I probably would have become a slave to my scars and started cutting again._ _Part of me wishes he hadn't. I miss the sting of the knife as it cuts my already scared skin. I also miss the way the blood runs down my arm._

  _Part of me  is also grateful that he was there to unknowingly stop me.   I promised myself I would try to be strong, not for me, but for grandpa and Feliciano. I don't want to see the sadness in their eyes every time they look at me._

_I was so fucking close to starting again.  I need to be stronger...because I won't always be so fucking lucky in the future. I can't expect someone to show up right when I'm on the edge of breaking down._

_On a less depressing note I met two of the other students at this school. There's the blonde haired, blue eyed all American idiot named Alfred. He's loud, obnoxious and a little narcissistic. Not to mention he has no concept of personal space. After I said that it didn't matter who my tour guide was, the bastard gave me a personal space invading hug which was tight enough that I could smell the faint sent of cheeseburgers and diet coke that clung to his "U. S. A." t-shirt._ _My first instinct was to punch him in the stomach and tell him to get the fuck off me. Seriously who hugs a complete stranger? The only reason I didn't was because I was trying to make somewhat of a good first impression. Instead, after I got over my initial discomfort, I just shrugged him off._

_The other person I met today still has me really damn confused. His name is Antonio. He's had wavy brown hair and green eyes the same shade of emeralds. He's almost as cheerful as Feliciano and I get the feeling that he does what he wants when he wants. He's also fucking clueless; I don't know how many times I sighed and tried to make him see that I didn't give a damn about what he was talking about._

_And then...I fucked up._ _I lost my temper and started yelling, swearing and insulting him. He really didn't do anything and I took out my own frustrations on him._

_The reason I say Antonio confuses me is because after I finished yelling at him, he...laughed. He fucking laughed and then continued to treat me with kindness. I'm not sure if he's some kind of masochist or if he's just an idiot._

_Not only that but he said I was cute when I yell. Dammit, even as I'm writing about him saying that I can feel my cheeks getting warm. I'm fucking blushing! Again! It's not because I like him, there's no way it's something as cliche as love at first sight. I think the reason why I'm blushing is because no one has ever called me cute before. Feliciano is the cute one and I'm just....I'm just me. Grumpy, bad tempered, plain old Lovino._

_But now someone thinks I'm cute and is offering to introduce me to his friends. Is it possible that Antonio could be my first real friend?  I'm not sure how I feel about this idiot being my friend but, maybe it could be a good thing._


	3. Nicknames...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter took WAY longer then expected....sorry for the wait <3

  _(Lovino's POV)_

  _I had that dream again. No, it wasn't a dream...it was a nightmare. The same damn nightmare I've been having ever since that day I tried to...tried to kill myself._

  _It's always the same. I can see myself, but all I can do is watch. My eyes_ _always look completely empty and devoid of emotions_   _as I get up off my bed and pull my pocket knife out of the pocket of my jeans. I experience a deep sense of panic as I see myself flip open the knife because I know what I'm about to do. It doesn't matter how loud I yell at myself to stop, because like I said before...all I can do is watch. Watch as I drag the knife vertically down both of my arms. Watch as the blood pours out and I slowly lose consciousness. Watch as the blood begins to fill up the room until I, the me that is helplessly watching, can feel myself drowning. Watch until I am unable to breath anymore. Until I am completely suffocated by the empty solitude of darkness_

  _...and then I wake up._

  _But I never just simply open my eyes and realize I've woken up to reality. Nope, every time I have that damn dream I always wake up in the middle of a panic attack. I'm always drenched in sweat and clawing at the front of my shirt because I can't fucking breath. And as soon as I realize that in the dream I had slit my wrists, I immediately roll up my sleeves and begin checking both my arms. I run my fingers over all of my scars and then bring my fingers up in front of my face as if I'm expecting to see blood; but obviously I never do because it was just a nightmare. Then I usually pull my knees to my chest and try to stop hyperventilating. Today it took almost half an hour to completely calm down and when I did I realized it was seven fucking thirty. Which meant that boy I mentioned yesterday, Antonio, would be knocking on my door soon so he could introduce me to his friends._

  _I climbed out of bed and grabbed the first pair of cloths I found out of my suit case and went into my bathroom to get cleaned up. I'm thankful that each dorm room has it's own bathroom. I don't know how I'd manage to hide my scars otherwise. After taking a quick shower and getting dressed I looked at myself in the mirror. I look like shit. My skin is pale and my sweater it so baggy that it's  just hanging off me. Oh well, it's not like it matters anyway. Even if I tired to look nice I still wouldn't be considered attractive. Feliciano is the cute one after all, so why should I even try._

  _ **"You're so cute when you yell. Well I thought it was pretty cute."** Antonio's words from yesterday crossed my mind again and I felt my face begin to heat up. Sure enough when I glanced at my reflection in the mirror I could see myself blushing. God damn it! Why is it that every time I think about those words I start fucking blushing? I shook my head and smacked both my cheeks before heading back into the main part of my room where I sat on the bed and waited for Antonio to arrive. _

  _~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~_

 (Third person POV)

 At exactly 8:00 Lovino heard a knock on his door followed by the Spaniard announcing his arrival. He continued to knock while Lovino grabbed his stuff off his desk. _'He's just like Feli, incessantly knocking until I open the damn door.'_ Lovino thought to himself as he clenched his fist in an attempt to remain calm as he opened the door.

 "Good morning Lovino." Antonio said with a warm smile. "How are you today? Did you sleep well? Are you excited to start classes today?"

 "Are you always this annoying? And ask one damn question at a time." Lovino said as he locked his door. He wasn't as worried about snapping at Antonio today since yesterday the Spaniard, for some unknown reason, didn't seem to mind when Lovino had yelled at him. Lovino figured that even if he snapped at him again today Antonio would just laugh it off like yesterday; and he was right.

 "Haha I guess someone is grumpy again today. Anyway lets go meet up with my friends before class starts." Antonio said as he started to lead the way. About ten minutes later Antonio had lead the two of them outside to the courtyard and towards a table where two other boys were already sitting. Lovino assumed that the must be the friends the Spaniard was talking about.

 The boy on the left had shoulder length golden blonde hair and blue eyes. It was also obvious that he was wearing designer cloths and in Lovino's opinion he looked more like a host than a high school student. His entire aura screamed I'm the most gorgeous thing that you'll ever see.

 The boy on the right had short, almost white hair with asymmetrical bangs. He also had ruby red eyes that were such an odd color it made Lovino wondered if he was wearing colored contacts. Although he was not as well dressed as the blonde boy it was obvious that he thought of himself as pretty damn awesome. It was so obvious that Lovino could practically feel the force of the white haired boys ego emanating all the way across the courtyard.

 "Hola Francis, Gil. This is the transfer student I was telling you about." Antonio said as he and Lovino reached the table where the other two boys were sitting.

 "Ah so this is the adorable little Italian boy you couldn't stop talking about all night long. Bonjour, I am Francis and this pest to my right is Gilbert."

 "Wrong! I am the AWESOME Gilbert!"

 "Tch, do ignore him he has a habit of being an annoyance. Now back to you. What is your name mon amie?" The blonde said in a flirtatious manner.

 "Lovino." He answered, trying not to sound as uncomfortable as his actually was. Though his discomfort started to increase when he noticed that the boy with red eyes was staring at him intensely.

 "Have I met you some where before?" Gilbert asked. "You look really familiar."

 "I doubt it." Lovino said. Although he couldn't help be feel tense after hearing the Prussian say that. The last thing Lovino needed was someone to know what he was really like or about his past...incident.   

 "You're probably right. After all if we had met before there's no way you would have forgotten the AWESOME me!"

 "Ugh. His narcissism really knows no bounds." Francis muttered to himself. "Anyway. Lovino is such a formal name. I think you need a nickname. Anyone with a formal name should have a nickname. For example Antonio is Toni, Gilbert is Gil, so it's only right that we come up with one for Lovino."

 "Ah, but Francis is a pretty formal name and we don't have a nickname for you." Antonio pointed out.

 "But that is where you are wrong Toni. I have many nicknames. Sexy, gorgeous, lover and the list just goes on an on."

 "Haha. Whatever you say Francy Pants." Gilbert laughed.

 "That is not one of the nicknames I said." Francis yelled in a flamboyant manner. "Back to the point, Lovino's nickname." Francis, Gilbert and Antonio began listing off a few nicknames that they could give Lovino. They were totally oblivious to the fact that it was only making the Italian boy annoyed.

 "I don't need a nickname." Lovino said trying to remain calm. However his statement was completely ignored. 

 "Oh I know, how about Lovi." Antonio suggested.

Lovino's eyes widened and he felt his heart ach. He grabbed the front of his shirt and tried to steady his breathing as he thought of the time's his grandpa and Feli had called him that very special nickname.

 It was Feli who was the first one to actually call him Lovi. When the twins were just learning how to talk they couldn't say each others names properly so Lovino called Feliciano 'Feli' and Feliciano called Lovino 'Lovi'. Ever since then those two nicknames had stuck. Lovino could practically hear Feli's voice in the many different times his baby brother had said Lovi. He could also imagine they way his grandpa had said it and the way he would occasionally pat him on the head. Lovino could almost feel the warmth of grandpa's big hands ruffling his hair.

 Then Lovino's thoughts turned dark and he started to imagine the way his grandpa and Feli looked and sounded as they cried out that name while in his hospital room. His heart began to ach more just picturing their faces. The last thing he wanted was for that name to be said by anyone else, especially these strangers. When he heard the other two agree with Antonio's suggestion, Lovino snapped.

 "My name is Lovino. Lo-vi-no. I don't need you to give me a damn nickname!" Lovino yelled before storming away leaving the other boys speechless for a moment. That is until Gilbert started laughing.

 "Hahaha, looks like you got a feisty one there Toni hahaha. Good luck taming that one." He said as he slapped Antonio on the back. The slap was just what Antonio needed to snap him out of his confusion and cause him to run after the clearly annoyed Italian boy.

 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

  _(Lovino's POV)_

  _Damn it! Who the hell do those idiots think they are trying to give me a nickname. Seriously, I just met these people and they already think were close enough to call each other nicknames....and why did it have to be that one._

  _I hate that nickname._ _I used to secretly like when grandpa and Feli called me Lovi, it made me feel special. Even if it was just for a moment; but now every time I hear it all I can picture is how sad both of them looked that day. It makes me feel so guilty._

_God damn it! My arms ach, it's that same ach I feel every time I get the urge to cut. I run my hand through my hair and stopped walking then went to lean up against the outside wall of the school building. I let out a deep sigh as I close my eyes. I run my fingers over the knife in my pocket. Just feeling it against my finger tips sends a jolt of electricity through my body, but...I can't do it. I repeat it over and over to my self. I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I ca-_

  _"Lovino!" Hearing my name being called snaps me out of it. I opened my eyes and I see that Antonio is running towards me. "Oh there you are. I didn't think I'd be able to catch up with you before class started." He says with that damn smile of his. "Come on I'll walk you to class Lovi." All of my initial anger returned the moment that fucking name came out of his mouth. I lunged forward, grabbing a fist full of his shirt and pulled it so that we were at eye level with each other._

  _"Listen up idoita, don't call me that god damn name again. There are only two people in this world allowed to call me Lovi and you're not one of them capiche!" I yelled. I didn't even try to hold back that's how mad I was. I probably just ruined what could have been my first friendship but I'm so damn angry right now. I let go of his shirt and pushed him back so that he's standing back upright, then I just looked down at the ground. I cant make eye contact with him just yet._

  _"Lovino...I'm sorry.I didn't know that name was special to you. From now on I promise I wont call you that anymore." He said. "It seems like all I've done since we met is annoy you. I just really want us to get along. Meeting you yesterday really peeked my curiosity and made me want to get to know you better. I'd like for us to be friends."_

  _Friends? After all I've done is yell at him. I don't get it what's going through this guys mind. Why dose he want to be friends with me? I don't even know how to respond. No one has ever wanted to be my friend before. I stayed quiet for another minute or two before Antonio said that the bell had rung and that he'd walk me to class so just to make sure I didn't get lost. I kept my head down and followed behind him as we started walking._

  _He's so kind. I've never met anyone so kind before. Sure he's oblivious and annoyingly talkative but I've never met someone who can smile with such genuine warmth and show such kindness to someone who is basically a stranger. I'm not sure why but I want to give this friendship a chance and if that's the case then I have to at least try to make an effort. I reached forward and grabbed the back of his shirt gently tugging on it. He stopped walking and turned to look at me._

  _"Romano." I said still looking at the ground._

  _"Huh?" He said clearly confused but that's understandable since just saying one word doesn't explain anything. I took a deep breath before explaining._

 " _Romano is my middle name. If you want to give me a nickname so bad you can call me that." I said letting go of his shirt._

  _"Really! Romano, that has a nice ring to it." I felt my face heat up as soon as he said it. No one has ever called me by my middle name before and damn it the way he rolled the 'R' when saying Romano made my heart skip a beat. Not that I'd ever admit it out loud. "Oh I could also call you Roma for short. A cute nickname like that would totally suit you."_

  _"Tch. Don't get ahead of yourself idiota. Anyway show me where the damn classroom is before you make me late for class." I said trying to cover up some of my embarrassment as I stomped forward towards the school. I don't get it, why do I always end up blushing at the things Antonio says? That stupid jerk bastard has me so confused. I wonder if I'll ever figure him out. All I know for sure is that I need to figure out how to stop blushing at the things he says._


	4. That Can't Be it Right?!?!

 

 

_(Lovino's POV)_

  _1 month, 3 weeks and 7 hours.  That's how long it's been since the last time I cut. Damn...I know that sounds obsessive, but the thing normal people don't understand about being a cutter is that cutting is something that you always think about. It's an addiction._

_Sometimes I think about it all day and sometimes it's only a passing thought that happens to cross my mind._

_...But I do think about it everyday._

  _Especially when I take a shower. I can't keep my sweater on for obvious reasons, which leaves my scars out in the open. I always know that they are there but seeing them always fucks with my mind._

_Most of them are thin and have almost completely faded away. Those are the ones I can't see unless my eyes are right next to my arm. Some of them are bigger because I had cut slightly deeper. They are visible to the eye without much effort and I can feel them through my cloths when I touch my arms._

  _And then there are the ones from...that night. Those ones are the worst. When I cut that night I made sure to cut deep and if I remember correctly my hands were pretty damn shaky so my cuts were rough. It was like I'd never used a knife before in my life. Due to the odd angle of the cuts the doctors had trouble stitching them and as a result they didn't heal well._

  _They are fucking ugly._

  _Although, the appearance of them isn't the only thing that makes them ugly. What makes them even more ugly is that every time I see them they make me think of the pain and sadness in grandpa and Feliciano's eyes that day when I woke up in the hospital._  

_That's part of the reason I've managed not to cut again for so long. It's the guilt. I can't bring myself to cut or try to kill myself again because even just the thought of doing it makes me feel fucking guilty. I know the pain it will cause grandpa and Feli, if I hurt myself again. I don't want them to feel pain because of my selfishness.....not again._

  
_*****_

_I was interrupted from my downward spiral of thoughts by the sound of knocking. I tucked my notebook into my bag them put the strap over my shoulder before answering the door. When I opened it, Antonio greeted me with his usual  smile and warm Spanish voice. I have been at this school for two weeks now and this had become our routine. Antonio comes to my room to get get me, sometimes he's accompanied by his flamboyant French friend but most days he comes alone. After meeting me we hang out until class starts._

  _As it turns out, Antonio and I have are in all the same classes except for one. When I have Creative Writing he has Music Composition, which makes that the only hour of the school day I don’t see Antonio._

_Surprisingly he hasn’t gotten sick of my attitude yet. I don’t get it, every time I snap at him, tell him he’s an idiot or make a sarcastic comment he just laughs it off and continues to treat me like a friend. Part of me is secretly happy that he’s still sticking with me. I’d never say it out loud but I’m glad he wants to be my friend...and I think I want to be his friend too._

  _After thinking that I can feel my face heat up. Fuck, I’m blushing again. What the hell is wrong with me? I smack both of my cheeks and shake my head in an attempt to stop blushing before Antonio notices. The last thing I need is for that jerk bastard to tell me I look like a cute little tomato again._

_The two of us walk into the classroom and take our seats at the back of the class. All of the other students are chatting with each other while we wait for the teacher to arrive. A few minutes later a teacher I didn’t recognize came in and said our teacher had some kind of emergency and wouldn’t be here for class this morning; so this was going to be a free study period. I pulled my notebook out of my bag and opened it to where I had left off this morning. I only wrote a few sentences before I decided that I couldn’t fucking concentrate because the other students were all still talking. It’s to loud in hear for me to write. I shoved my notebook back into my bag and stood up._

  _“Romano, where are you going?” Antonio asked._

  _It’s too damn loud it here. I’m going to the library.” I said. Then I started to leave the room._

  _“Wait.” I heard Antonio call behind me. “I know a place that will be even better than the library. Follow me.” He said before walking in the opposite direction. I’m not sure why but I followed him._

  _After going down the stairs and out the back door of the school the two of us walked down a path into a wooded area. Just as I was about to ask where the hell he was taking me I saw something that made me lose my words. It was a wooden gazebo surrounded by tall trees and wild flowers. There were built in benches along the edges of the gazebo and even though the gazebo itself was a little worn down, the scenery around it was beautiful. It was like something out of the fairytale story books that grandpa used to read to Feli and I when we were little. I couldn’t help but stare as Antonio went and sat down on the bench. Antonio chuckled as he watched me stare._

  _“It’s beautiful, isn’t it?” Antonio said. “None of the others ever come here anymore because the school had a new one built closer to the dorm buildings. I still like coming here every now and again because it’s still a nice spot to have some peace and quiet.”_

 " _It’s definitely better than the library,” I said as I sat down on the bench across from him. I turned sideways so the my back was against the corner of the gazebo and sat with my legs on the bench. Then I leaned over and pulled my notebook out of my bag, propping it up against my knees and began to write again. However, I didn’t write very much before Antonio interrupted me._

  _“Do you like to write?” Antonio asked._

 " _I don’t hate it.” I said sighing slightly while trying to write, despite being in the middle of what I felt was a potentially pointless conversation._

  _“Hmm, I thought you must really like it since you spend a lot of time writing in that notebook.”_

 " _Are you going to talk the whole time we’re out here? I thought you brought me here because it was quiet, not so you could talk my damn ear off.”_

  _“Lo siento Romano. I’ll be quiet.” He apologized. I immediately felt bad for snapping at him. It’s strange, I normally don’t feel bad when I lose my temper with someone; but when it’s Antonio I always feel a stab of guilt in my heart. Is it because he’s the first person to try and get to know me? The first person to stick with me for this long. The first friend I’ve ever truly had._

  _He pisses me off. He makes me feel things I’m not used to feeling. He’s a happy go lucky idiot with a heart as big the country of Spain. And even though he’ll probably always forgive me for snapping at him I should at least make a small effort to make this friendship work._

  _“It’s not that I like to write, it’s just something I feel like I need to do.” I said. Out of the corner of my eye I could see Antonio’s face light up with joy when he realized I was talking to him. “I’m not good at talking to people or saying things out loud. So I write everything down to help clear my mind and sort out my thoughts.”_

  _“Oh, so it’s like a diary.” He said._

  _“No it’s not a fucking diary! Do I look like a 12 year old girl to you?” I yelled. Antonio just laughed and then a comfortable silence fell between us. I turned my attention to my notebook but a strange noise caught my attention. I heard what sounded like the rustling of paper and before I could turn to see where exactly the noise was coming from, a paper airplane landed in my lap. On the corner of the wing I saw a small note that said ‘open and read me.’ I carefully opened the paper airplane and saw one sentence written at the top of the page. I looked over at Antonio but all he did was smile._

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

(Note* Normal is Antonio. Italicized is Lovino. They are passing the note back and forth to each other.)

  
Hola Romano

  _What the hell is this?_

 I thought we could try talking this way since you said you are better at writing than talking.

  _You’re an Idiot._

 Do you want to play a game with me?

  _What kind of game?_

 I’ll ask you a question and you answer. Then you ask me a question and I’ll answer.

  _Sounds stupid, but it’s not like I have anything else to do._

 What’s your favorite food?

  _Tomatoes. Why are you trying so damn hard to be my friend anyway?_

 I like spending time with you and want to get to know you better.

  _But why? All I do is yell at you. I’m bad tempered and I have a foul mouth. Why would anyone want to be friends with someone like that?_

 Romano, that’s called having a personality. I happen to like the way you talk. You may be a little stubborn and standoffish but you're honest. I like that.

  _How can you say embarrassing things like that?_

 Technically I “wrote” embarrassing things like that.

  _You’re such an idiot._

 Maybe. But I think I saw you smile when you read what I wrote.

  _I did not!_

 That was two questions you asked me. Now I get to ask you two questions.

  _Whatever._

 What is your family like? And why did you transfer here in the middle of the semester?

  _I_ _t’s always been just the three of us. My grandpa, my younger brother and I. As for why I transferred, well lets just say there were some problems at home and grandpa thought it would be best if came here for a fresh start.My timing has always been bad. I’m always one step behind._

_A_ _nyway, enough about that. So can you actually play that guitar you carry around or is it just a way to get attention from girls?_

 Silly Roma, course I can play it. I’m actually quite talented, my teacher says that I am one of the best players in class. My song writing on the other hand...well lets just say that could use some work.

  _So you suck._

 I prefer to say that I’m a struggling song writer.

  _That sounds about right. You seem to be a perpetually positive person._

 Really, what else do you think about me?

  _First and foremost I think that you’re an idiot. Not many people choose to put up with my attitude. I can think of only two reasons why you would. Either you are too happy go lucky to care or you are ridiculously determined to be my friend. I may put up a fuss but I actually don’t mind your company. You’re very kind and you seem to view life with such so much positivity, it often makes me think maybe life isn’t 100% terrible. That being said don’t expect me to be all smiles and sunshine. I am who I am and you are who you are; and who you are is someone that is an undeniably kind and carefree idiot that I don't mind spending time with._

 Wow Roma that's amazing; you write so beautifully. You really open up when you right. I never dreamed that you would be so honest with me.

 

\-------

 

(Third person POV)

 

When Lovino read what Antonio had written as a response his eyes widdened and he quickly reread what he himself had written. Immediately Lovino grabbed the paper slammed in between the pages of his note book and shoved the it into his bag; blushing madly the entire time. Antonio chuckled at Lovino's adorable reaction. The Spaniard could tell the Lovino was desperately trying to avoid eye contact with the way he was staring at his shoes laces as if they had suddenly became the most interesting thing in the world. Before he could say anything the bell rang signaling that it was time to change class.

 "We should go." Antonio said. Lovino didn't verbally respond he just stood up and followed the Spaniard as they walked back into the school building.

 "I'll see you after class. Ok Roma." Antonio said as they parted ways. Since Antonio had Music Composition as his next class he had to go down the opposite hall way from where Lovino's class was. The Italian boy was a bit relieved that they had different classes at the moment. He didn't think he could handle all of his current emotions while being around the boy who had caused them. Lovino sat down at his desk and pulled out his note book flipping to the page where he had stuck the note he and Antonio had been writing to each other. After rereading it he started to blush again. 'Why the fuck did I write such embarrassing things.' Lovino thought to himself. This feeling was new to Lovino, sure he had been embarrassed before but this was different. Instead of feeling the usual shame and anger that accompanied his embarrassment, he felt his stomach flutter. Almost like he was embarrassed in a good way. Lovino was interrupted from this thoughts by a loud obnoxious voice.

 "Ooh whatcha blushing about. Did you get a love letter?" Alfred said as he grabbed the paper off Lovino's desk.

 "Shut up! It's not a damn love letter." Lovino snapped as he quickly grabbed the paper out of Alfred's hands.

 "Hahaha whatever you say dude." Alfred laughed. Lovino sighed. He had temporarily forgotten that Alfred was also in this class and sat directly in front of him. It wasn't that he disliked the American, he was just a bit obnoxious for Lovino's liking. Alfred, like Antonio, seemed pretty intent on forming a friendship with Lovino; Alfred just wasn't as pushy about it as Antonio was.

 "Good thing it's not a love letter, Antonio would be pretty bummed if someone else had a crush on you." Alfred said in an attempt to tease the Italian boy a little bit more.

 "You're such a moron." Lovino said. "Wait someone has a crush on me?"

 This sentence made Alfred burst out into a fit of uncontrollable laughter. This of course only made Lovino more irritated. "That's stupid. Someone would have to be out of their damn mind to have a crush on me." Lovino snapped. Alfred only laughed harder and ponder his fist on the desk.

 "Man you really don't have a clue do you?" Alfred laughed. "It's so obvious. Hahaha."

 

\------

 

_(Lovino's POV)_

 

_Stupid America and his stupid douchebag laugh. He is so full of shit. There is no way anyone in their right mind has a crush on me. Not unless they are brain damaged._ _He's just making fun of me, he has to be. God he pisses me off! Why do I talk to him? Oh that's right he doesn't give me a fucking choice. He's almost as bad as Antonio._

  _Antonio...everyday that guy confuses me more and more._

  _Seriously how can he make me feel almost happy and embarrassed at the same time. And why did I open up to him the way I did. I mean I know I can be more open and honest when I write but it was like I forgot someone was actually going to read that mushy embarrassing crap. I don't get it. Is Antonio really that special? God if I didn't know myself better I'd say I sound like a have a silly schoolgirl crush. But that can't be true, can it? THAT CAN'T BE IT RIGHT?!?!_

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! I would appreciate your feedback so please leave a comment :) I will try to update this story as often as I can!


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